Three Days

I woke up this morning, this third morning in a row. I could hear birds chirping outside, I could hear the dog shifting in his sleep. I could hear these things because it was so quiet. Quiet for the third day in a row. A quiet I was not used to. A quiet no one in the house we now live in has experienced for three weeks. There was a slight peek of the sun. A sun that has been absent since you left three nights ago. I was happy to have slept, no one stealing my covers, no one kicking me in the head. I was unhappy you were not there to disturb my sleep. I was happy to be awake for I was having bad dreams. I was unhappy to be awake for now those dreams would enter my conscious thoughts. Dreams of you. Dreams of all my deepest fears coming true. Dreams where a man takes you away from me, forever. Three mornings of sleeping in. Three days of sitting and reading. Three nights of not listening to you breathe as I drifted off to sleep. Three mornings spent in my half sleep looking around the room for you. Three days of sitting by the phone waiting for phone calls, waiting for news, waiting to talk to you, waiting for your return. Three nights laying in bed missing you. Three years of not spending more than 12 hours away from you have led to these three days of not knowing what to do with myself. Three long days.

愛か。それはなぜそんなに吸うか。

Strange New World

I am sitting here trying not to go nuts. Trying.

I have never spent more than 12 hours away from my son, this evening my husband took him for the weekend. I hope.

It has been a whole two hours since they left. I have showered, surfed the web, eaten, watched T.V. and called them twice. What am I going to be like tomorrow?

Why I Feel Like I am Falling (Really Just Another Sad Little Rant)

As of Tuesday, May 3 I am no longer living in my home in Wasilla. My son and I find ourselves somewhat set up in the downstairs of my mothers house. Two weeks now away from my husband. It took a number of years for me to gather the courage to remove myself from that place and situation, but I have done it. That goodness for the help of my family. I could not have done it with out them, especially with my precious soon-to-be three year old in tow. I want the world for him and was very afraid I would not be able to provide for him during this low period. But mom is giving me a chance to get on my feet before I venture this single mother stuff on my own. So now I am stuck with these feeling of being nearly 30, with a child, and living with my mother. Can you say guilt? I feel very spoilt. Living with my husband I spent many years making due and barely getting by and now I have a washer and dryer that do not require quarters and does not require me to haul my stuff out to it! Ah, the simple pleasures of a mom. Now I have to find day care and a job, or is it a job and day care? Either way it is another scary step that I am trying to not dread taking. I have been pushed to my limits of comfort so much in the past couple days.

So there it is a poorly formatted shout to the world. I HAVE LEFT MY HUSBAND. Please stop asking about it for a bit, I'll get there.

Falling Off The Face Of The Earth, A Sad Little Rant

I imagine that is the best way to describe the way I feel. I feel I am falling. My world, my earth is no longer the same. Now, I am not saying this a bad feeling, nor am I saying it is a good feeling. It is just there. Not pleasure, not pain, not joy, not sorrow. At least not individually, they are all there. All fighting to be the dominate feeling.
What do I say to him? How can I be In the same room? He acts so hurt but when I leave he goes back to his new girl of the day.
My heart is heavy and light. I am filled with remorse for causing pain and elated for the prospects of the future. But what a scary future. I haven’t been alone longer than 6 months since I was 15. That is quite the thought, now isn’t it.

Too Much Sleep = Unmotivated

I have been getting a lot of sleep lately and not getting much of anything done. I need to get moving, things are happening pretty quickly in my life. A lot quicker than I had planned. But in the end I will be a better person for it all. Oh, there is too much I don't want to do.

Lack of Sleep = Superwoman?

Thanks to my complete procrastination I spent last evening preparing my taxes. Translation, I sat in front of the computer for way too long being annoyed because, in my case, it might have been faster to file a paper form. Okay maybe not, but until now I never new the annoyance that is entering all the information off of way too many W2s. So, needless to say, I managed about four hours of sleep before having to get up and function. I work early in the morning (Read, before 7 AM) and had to find a way to not injure myself while handling sharp or hot objects. My solution? Lots of strong coffee. Usually this would just turn me into a shaky tired person, but seeing as I have regained my addiction to caffeine I managed to stave off the shakes and just be sleepy. None the less I found myself completing all my required tasks at work along with a few to prepare for tomorrow and some other side work, to ward off boredom. After work I return home to clean out my storage until, wash and fold to loads of laundry, cook a nice meal, wash the dishes and now write a bit. Why do I get the feeling I am going to be completely useless tomorrow at work? I don't have to e in until a very reasonable hour but I'm sure my human alarm clock will get me up in time to see all of the Saturday morning cartoons. Guess I am just amused by how much I did get accomplished today, despite my lack of sleep.

I'm a Bitch, I'm a Lover, I'm a Child, I'm a Mother

Nature has a way of being purely evil. As is known my son has been very sick, pink eye, chest cold, strange colored mucus pouring out of his nose and fevers. Yesterday in a hail of red puke (Don't be alarmed, it was just the Tylenol Cold I gave him) his fever broke and since then he has been back to being his usual holy terror. What is so unfair about this is I now have what he had minus the pink eye, knock on wood. I feel like I am swimming in a muted sea. My ears pound with my own heart beat, loud sounds send shooting pain. And as any parent of an almost three year old will attest to, I hope, is that they are one giant loud sound at this age.

Being a mom I have to still care for my recovering, over-energetic son while dad is at work. Though I would love nothing more than lie in bed with a jug of O.J., a box of Kleenex, a warm blanket, the T.V. remote and an ungodly supply of cold medicine.

So these are the people I have been cycling through today. A bitch, because I do not feel good and so don't want to deal. A lover, because I must still be a caring wife. A child, because I want attention and I want it now. Take care of ME! A mother, because this job has no real quitting time.

I Don't Care

I have a horrible sinus headache and the cold medicine I took isn't working.
I don't care.

My muscles are sore and my bones feel achey.
I don't care.

I am tired and cranky from working all day.
I don't care.

The fingers in my left hand are numb and cold.
I don't care.

You are sick.
I care.

You sleep fitfully in my lap, slipping in and out of consciousness. Mere minutes of wakefulness and sleep. Often when you wake, you wake suddenly, blurting out the last line of dialog from your dream. I laugh to myself and try to figure out what you are dreaming. I love these little peeks into your unconscious.

Your poor little limp body, ravaged by fever. I stare at you, wishing I could take your pain, even though I already share in it. The sweet, quiet, endless potential I see in your face brings tears to my eyes. I wonder how I can help you fulfill your dreams. I am curious to find out what those dreams will be.

Rest and regain your strength, my little man, the feeling will eventually return to my arm. But I won't care if it doesn't, so long as you return to your happy healthy self.

Veiled Sexual Innuendo

I would like to start this with an apology. Mrs. Hetfield I am sorry for what I am about to say and I really do hope you and your husband all the best, but......
I WANT TO PRACTICE AT HAVING YOUR HUSBAND'S BABIES!

I am Fricken Going to Cum, I Love the Internet

As I sat waiting for the wrist-slitting slow opening of my yahoo on a dial-up, I noticed the little ad for recipe feeds you can add to your 'my yahoo' site. So I decided to click on it and add that service to my little part of yahoo. I only expected one or two rarely updated feeds. I was wrong. I know have multiple daily recipes, along with blogs. All these new fun interesting recipes delivered to me, without having to search. New creative things I may have never thought of or looked for.

Along with recipes (much better than novels), the internet provides me with countless hours of entertainment. Especially on days like this week when my son is sick and I am stuck at home. I get to talk to adults and entertain and educate my brain. Or just fill it with more useless information, take your pick. Either way, I am kept from being forced to clean the house again out of sheer boredom. I can now sit on my butt and surf.

I love the internet!

I Told You I Would

This is a nod to my K.B. I told you I would make it a part of my blog. It wouldn't have been so funny if you hadn't come running. I swear I kept my mouth shut.
Y

Time to Admit This Too

I am admitting this to myself and the world, I am in love. Madly, passionately, erotically in love with a man. He is a tall man and sexy, although bald. He is strong and muscular, though gentle. He has helped me with many problems and still comes back for more. I do not know how I have lived my life up till now without this man in my life.

His name is............Mr. Clean.

Today while shopping with my mom, she insisted that I try Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. Can I tell you? This shit is great. I have cleaned stuff that has been eluding my previous attempts at removal. And Crayon, can I say enough about crayon removal? I managed to get that grunge off my kid's high chair, the grubby stuff off of the front door, made a dent in the crap on the stainless steel toaster oven. I even got most of the crayon off of the unfinished wood bookcase. The poor 'brick' is now a tiny shred, mostly because of my attempt to get the nasties off of Jaden's car seat. It was trying there but may require a little more effort. But hey, I can't expect true miracles.

Boy, I feel better getting that off my chest and the funkies off my stuff! (Happy Dance)

Peanuts and Fridgehead

It is difficult for me to keep my composer when I hear some of the things my son says. He is doing the best he can with the abilities he has right now and I want to encourage his efforts, but some of it is just so darn cute.

Today he and I were sharing a Fridgehead, or soda ice (hee hee), and Jaden was trying to use the straw to suck. He stopped and sighed, "Too Heavy." How precious. It was his attempt at saying it was too thick to suck through the straw.

Then he comes up with wonderfully delightful mispronunciation, like wroof and peanuts, or Pooh A Princess. These are the terms he uses for Roo, penis and a Winnie the Pooh movie that has nothing to do with princesses, it is the Halloween one.

I have a friend who tells me stories of her grandbaby who is about Jaden's age. Her granddaughter is learning sign language and came up with the statement, "Daddy's airy shirt" for a shirt with holes in it. Now that is precious.

So Jaden, I don't laugh at you because I believe you to be unintelligent, it is quite the opposite. I laugh because you make these wonderfully unique associations (like, shopping cart train) that show how you are working to organize the complex subject of language in your fresh brain. And your just so darn cute. High strung, extremely active, quite the "boy" and cute.

Good Morning, Beautiful

I have a friend who starts every morning I see them with this greeting. It is done out of pure friendly love and it feels so wonderful. Thank You, buddy.

This makes me think? If these few simple words work those kind of wonders on me, what would they do for my son? I try to say nice things, just becuase, to him, but this is a nice reminder. I doubt much of what I say to him still doesn't make a whole lot of sense but intonation and body language is universal.

Try it out on your frineds and loved ones, you'll be rewarded.

I Feel a Bad Moon Rising

I finally got around to reading my monthly free horoscope today. Yes, I read that stuff. No, I don't place much faith in them. I do find them to be a nice moral booster at times, though.

So I am reading one of them and in sweet, sugar coated words the lady was basically saying that Capricorn was going to have a chaotic, crappy month. Something about descending planets into or out of my house of whatever and the combination of two eclipses in the month. Then I think, "Ohmagah" she's right, this month sucks. Mind you it is ass crack in the morning and coffee hasn't kicked in yet. I was feeling pretty run over, stuff coming out of everywhere. Nose, lungs, bladder, etc, etc (You know what I mean.) Not doing things like drinking a quart of cranberry juice followed by a half pot chaser of coffee would have helped a couple things. I swear in the first 3 hours of my morning I went to the bathroom every 15 minutes for one reason or another.

How Do You Teach a Thirty Five Year Old Man That if the Internet Says its Free, it isn't?

Everything in my house is in some stage of being sick. The kid, the hubby, me, the computer. All infected with something. Gotta love daycare and the internet.

Things You Should Consider the Consequences of Before Attempting Just Cause You're Bored

Last night my son went to bed at a reasonable hour. Reasonable being a time not ending in the suffix A.M. So even though I had to get up early for work in the morning, I was not tired. This is when I have the idea to treat myself to a bath, alone. Bathing alone in my house is a luxury as my son really likes water. And since it was going to be a treat I decided to make it extra special and shave my legs.

So there I sat in a shallow tub of water dragging a cheap plastic razor over my flesh and watching my life force spring forth from many little nicks on my legs. Half way through I realize that the shallow tub of water was getting cold faster than I was shaving causing goose bumps to be formed. This only served to increase the number of nicks. So I decided to add more hot water and finished shaving my legs. Well, now I have a tub full of hot water, would be a shame to get out now and waste it all. So I decide it would be fun to see just how much body hair I can remove. This is where the considering of actions should have happened, especially after seeing what the razor had done to my legs. But hey, I wasn't tired and who knows when I will get another untired, single bath. And who knows, it could be fun.

The question I have now had to ponder today is, what happens when it starts to grow out and itch? I have tried this before and remember the itching, but I had more time then to try to maintain it. Alone time. Alone time is now bored time, what has happened to my perception? Must be a the constant rush I get from saving someone's life multiple times a day, makes down time feel that much more uneventful.

The First Step is Admitting

HI, everyone, my name is Robin and I have a few things to admit. These are things I have been needing to admit to myself for a while but haven't. So here goes...

Let's start with the hardest one. Despite my best efforts to control the spread, the invasion is over taking me. It is fact, I have been dreading and expecting it since I was 20. I still remember that faithful day when I found the first one, I called my mom from college just to tell her. She was not as amused as I was. The annoying invasion has now firmly rooted itself and is fueled by the two boys in my life. It is the dreaded invasion of...............GRAY HAIRS. (Gasp!) Okay, I know, there are much worse things in life, but, damn it, I'm not ready. I see them, they poke out at odd moments. I've tried plucking. I've tried coloring. Alas, they win in the end. Don't believe the 'covers your gray' advertising on the do it yourself boxes. And with the plucking, I can't see the back of my head and I know they are hiding there. I used to be able to see them before I cut off all my hair. So it wasn't actually ALL of it, but a lot. I miss it. Wrapping it up in a bun, French twists, handle bars, all that fun girl hair stuff. Now I can barely get it into a ponytail. But when I do get some of it into one, out pops the little white hairs. They stick up from my scalp. So there I am, three fourths of my hair in a pony tail, bottom half a dark brown, top half black brown and studded by little white hairs.

Another item I must admit to, these, my comfy black pants (Thanks, Sis) cannot be worn by me any more. I've tried, I have resorted to only wearing them in the house. To wear them out, or forbid, to work, would only cause a never ending scene of embarrassment. Here is the problem, they no longer fit properly. Now don't get upset at me here, they no long fit because they are much to big. I wear them and if I am not vigilant they fall off my butt, often taking my underwear with them. I don't feel like being known as the supermarket flasher of the valley. Yes, I know your asking, "Why is this nut complaining cause her pants are to big?" I love these pants. When I was first given them they fit nicely, even went so far as to make my rear look a little smaller. They had a nice cut and were easy to wear and went with most every top in my closet (or floor, as they case usually is) Therefore, can you understand why I wouldn't want to give up on them? So with a jubilant heart and a slightly healthier me, I must retire the happy butt pants.

Finally, I would like to announce to myself and the one random person who may happen to read my lonely space on the web, I am no longer a recovered caffeine addict. I have fallen off the wagon. You know, it started with a cup in the morning cause the baby kept me up late or woke me up early and I need to be semi-coherent to work around fire. Then it was a cup before work and one on the way to work. Then I started needing it mornings of my days off. Now I am a full fledged pot a day coffee drinker. Hehe, maybe it is all the caffeine that is helping me to lose weight. Doubt it, this a usual spring occurrence.

So there it is. Things I have not been able to admit to myself. Now they are out there for people to know. The first step is admitting.

You Give Me Fever

Spring? It was here and now it hasn't stopped snowing for two days. First it was too wet and muddy to take the ball of energy outside, now it should be fun. Fresh snow, kinda warm and plenty of daylight. Gotta love spring and the day light. Does wonders for my mood and everyone else's. Can you say spring fever? I know I have it bad this year. Makes me want to be a girl, which only gets me in trouble. Found myself pulling out the curling iron and make-up, the daintier girl shoes and the lighter clothes. Friends of mine were surprised, never having seen me as a girl before. Amusing. As usual the fun wasn't allowed to last for long.

The little man will be three before I know it. The amount and ways he has changed since the last entry is amusing. His development never ceases to amuse me. Who knew? Should have guessed, they are born only with rudimentary instincts and grow into "normal" humans like the rest of us. Has to happen somehow. Guess I never expected it to happen in the leaps and bounds that it does.

I have to laugh every time I hear him saying, "Jelly beans are for decorating, not eating." He must have heard that a lot at day care. Guess they were making Easter decorations.

His latest fascination has been Winnie the Pooh, a nice break from the other stuff, but an obsession none the less. He walks around caring a large stuffed Winnie the Pooh, which he also experimenting with, in a grown up way. Ah, to be young, curious and uninformed. He has been wrapped up in this whole Easter thing for a few weeks, when he first started watching Springtime with Roo. Feeding us pretend fishy oil so we will get our bounce back.