Guilt

I love my son, I love him more than I love diet Pepsi, coffee and nicotine combined. I was very excited to see him yesterday and had to keep a close eye on my speed while driving.

But, you see, I have a new guilty pleasure. This guilty pleasure is called weekends at dad's.

When my son was in infant I carried him everywhere. He would cry if I put him down. He would cry if I sat down while holding him. Even if he was sleeping I would wheel his bassinet into the hall just outside the bathroom while I took a shower. When I returned to work part-time after six weeks dad watched him only one night. After that I had to have my mom and sister babysit. For the first 18 months of his life my son was with me. I took him to the store, he would follow me into the bathroom. I often just showered only showered while he was sleeping, his dad was that against watching.

Around the age of two his dad started letting me leave the kid with him while I went to the grocery store. So I guess this was really the beginning of my guilty pleasure. I learned to love grocery shopping. The one hour or so of not minutely performing life saving maneuvers was the best de-stresser I have ever found.

That was one thing all the baby books I read don't tell you enough, being a first time mom is very stressful. You worry for the first 12-20 weeks of pregnancy that you will remain pregnant. From there you worry about preterm labor. Then around 36 weeks start to feel you are going to be pregnant forever. Especially after I went on maternity leave about two weeks before my due date. It was the middle of summer and hot. So hot I didn't want to leave the house much because it meant I would have to put clothes on. Of course boredom soon ensued. Nothing to due but sit and wait. I anxiously counted down the days until my due date. Other women would laugh and say your due date doesn't really mean much of anything, which is true, but by my reasoning if my due date came and went I would be shortly no long pregnant no matter what. Too far over due and my midwife would due something about encouraging the kid out. Of course my kid was overdue so I had several anxious days wait knowing labor would start at any minute. I have to laugh now because not long after I had excepted that I would just be pregnant forever things started happening.

Anyway, after my son and I moved out I realized I wouldn't have those precious moments of the day when I could just be by myself. My parents hadn't lived with a young child in quite a number of years. There was a point where I just lost it. All the other stresses of what is going on and my son being transplanted to someplace new, I broke down crying.

So, again, I love my son but I like the day or two of rest I get when my son spends the weekend with dad. Two nights is all I can handle though. I start to get very antsy when my son spends more than that away from me. The two weeks my son was with his dad were miserable hours for me. I have no idea what to do with myself when he isn't around.

As I type, my ball of energy is running around in only a tank top. Today he has decided he doesn't like pull-ups. Good for him, now if we can get the whole waste in the potty thing straight I will be one very happy momma. Add that to the fact that I am always a proud momma (He is the smartest, cutest and most creative kid in the world!)and my little part of the world will be even closer to prefect.