I'm Still Here

I am still alive, I promise. Some of you I am not so sure about, though. I haven't heard from many people in quite a while.

Well, since we last spoke I have continued to lose weight and am now 45# down since April 22, 2005. I am beginning to regain confidence in myself. I know it is taking a while but you have to understand where I was coming from.

In other news, I am still working my original job and now also have a second job to keep myself entertained on the weekends when my kid is gone.

J has had a bad month with being sick and so have I, I ended up in the hospital for a couple days a week or so ago.

Oh, big news! I got a raise, a whole dollar even. That might help counteract the child support I have to pay for the child I have primary physical custody of. I just love the system.

There's more, but if you want to hear it you can call me, I'm still in the same place.

One More, One Last Thing

25# down since April!
Hoot Hoot!!!!!!!!

One More Thing

I know there are a few regulars who come here to check up on me (I know who you are and can tell you your IP address!) yet I get no comments or e-mails, please talk to me.

What a Week

With the sous chef out due to injury for an unknown span of time, I have found my self busting my A** every day this week. I have found new muscles to be sore due to the repeated lifting of large quantities of food. I am trying to look at this as a chance to impress the people that handle what my paycheck might say, but goodness I am tired. I am doing my daily tasks and trying to pick up all the sous chef and make sure the other members of my team get all their tasks done too. Needless to say, I am very glad this week has come to a close. I will try to spend the next couple days not thinking about what work lies ahead next week (wish me luck on that one!). Guess it is a good thing I like my job, just wish I had a little more energy at the end of my shift.

On an up note, J did not cry when I left him at his new daycare today. I got a slightly choked up, "I love you, mommy" but no tears or screaming. Next week we are going to try having him nap before I pick him up. We'll see if this makes him less cranky in the afternoons for me. And even though my new provider completely stresses me out with the rate at which she talks, I am glad to see my son in such a good mood after being at daycare. I have come to believe he has a crush on one of his sitters, the providers 18 year old daughter. LMAO, that's a fifteen year age difference. But she is pretty and has long hair and so far seems very nice. Now how do you explain ROBBING THE CRADLE to a three year old? As long as he is happy and healthy, I guess.......

J is still cute as ever and his hair is growing in nicely, did I mention his dad shaved damn near all of it off? At the rate it is growing you might not be able to tell he had no hair in a month or so.

On the Subject of J, the center of my universe, he has become very lovey with me lately it feels good. As usual, I hope I am doing things right for him.

I guess it is now technically Saturday, I should stop thinking about the job and the kid for a couple hours and focus on me for a bit sop that I am rested and rejuvenated to do it all again on Monday. Goodnight(/morning) all.

Hi, I'm Mom!

The past few weeks have been filled with daycare adventures, early mornings and learning my way around my new job. I haven't spent as much time with my son as I would have liked to because of daycare adventures, but he has been able to spend some more time with his dad. The last time I picked J up from his dad's there ween't any of the really tearful goodbyes. I hope it is a sign that J is lerning his dad and I are here for him and will always try our best to make him a priority.

J started a new daycare this morning, I was able to get out the door and to my car before he started crying. I hope that this is a good sign. J was asleep when I returned to pick him up, when we got home and I woke him up he yelled out hi and gave me a big hug. Very heart warming. As to be expected, he since has not left direct physical contact with me (I am typing one handed with a squirrelly three-year-old in my lap).

The world is a little brighter today as I have recieved ny first full paycheck, leading me to believe that I will be able to make it on my own in the near future.

I was offered a second job but am leary of taking it. I know it would be great to have the extra cash but I would be sacrificing precious time with my son. We'll see. I guess I would need to know more about schedualling and such. I wouldn't be apossed to working more on the days J is with his dad.

Oh dear, j just got a new Thomas the Tank Engine movie best go watch it before he gets too excited.

New Job, No Hair

I have sat on my tookie for the past three or so months and now I have work my first two days at a new job. No siting down for eight hours striaght! My feet hurt. Having to be at work when I was used to rolling out of bed at 8:30 am! I'm sleepy! And I have very little hair, I'm learning to like it. Too sleepy to type, yawn.

BIG Day

Got Job! Got Day care! More later.

Alaska

You Know You're From Alaska When...

"Vacation" means driving to Chitna to dip net You measure distance in hours. Down south to you means Anchorage. You know several people who have hit a moose. Your school classes aren't cancelled because of cold. Your school classes were canceled because of ice. You think of the major four food groups as moose, caribou, beer, and squaw candy. You think that moose season is a national holiday. You know what a real sockeye is, and have a recipe for candy ones. You know if another Alaskan is from the city or the village as soon as they open their mouth. You can spell words like Chatanika, Ninilchik, and Tuntutuliak. You've had cabin fever. You own moose nugget ear rings. Mosquito dope is a part of your daily attire. You think the song Breaking Up is Hard to Do is about spring time. Travel luggage consists of ice coolers (or fish boxes) wrapped with duct tape. A seven course meal is a sixpack and a can of SPAM. When you answer the phone and it's a wrong number, but you know the number of the person they were trying to call off the top of your head. You have bigger tires on your plane than on your car. Someone mentions "super cub" and you do not envision a tiny bear wearing blue tights and a red cap. Your relatives/friends think you live too far away for them to come visit you, but keep asking you to come see them more often. October is the month of your highest income. The reason you don't own a poodle is because an eagle ate the last one. Kids catch the bus in the dark and get off it in the dark. You know why they named it Chicken, Alaska. You know that road flares will start a nice bon fire. You take the door off the outhouse to see the aurora. Your idea of taking a load off is emptying the firewood out of the back of the truck. You know a tail-dragger is an airplane, not a bad day at the office. You know that a Spenard Divorce involves a .357 magnum, not a lawyer. You like your neighbors. You know at least one pot grower. You put up with the pain of a toothache until the Permanent Fund Dividend checks come out in October. You know going "outside" involves a whole lot more than opening a door and walking into the yard. You know Bunny Boots aren't worn by bunnies or made out of bunnies. You know the meaning of the word "baleen" and it has nothing to do with making hay into large cubes. You take off your shirt and your arms are as pale as your legs all the way to your wrists. You don't know anyone who doesn't own a 4-wheeler. You've washed your car while there was still snow on the ground. You know a honey bucket is really a bucket, but it's not really full of honey. You know that the Rat Net is not a rodent catching device. You learned to swim indoors. Your bedroom windows are covered in aluminum foil. Your monthly veterinarian bill is more than your own medical bill. You know a "white out" has to do with winter conditions not correcting fluid for typos. You think it's normal for a town to put all the businesses on one side of the road. Your local golf course has "happy hour" between 1:00 and 2:00 am The seat in your outhouse is lined with styrofoam so your butt won't freeze to it when you have to sit down for a certain amount of time. You've had to set your alarm every three hours to go start you car and let it run for 20 minutes so hopefully it will start in the morning so you can go to work. Instead of plugging in your freezer, you've just move it to the front porch! You open your freezer to take out something for dinner, and are faced with many choices, Pink Salmon, Silver Salmon, Red Salmon, King Salmon, Smoked Salmon, or Halibut! You can play road hockey on skates. You see signs saying Do or do NOT _____ but you never see any law enforcement people. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Alaska.

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Eerie

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Oh, That's A Flattering One

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How Do People See You?

Giggle

Your Kissing Purity Score: 26% Pure

You're not one to kiss and tell... But word is, you kiss pretty well.

Kissing Purity Test

Goodness They Are Random And Everywhere

You Should Learn Japanese

You're cutting edge, and you are ready to delve into wacky Japanese culture. From Engrish to eating contests, you're born to be a crazy gaijin. Saiko!

What Language Should You Learn?

Yes, I Am Bored Today

Your Hawaiian Name is:

Alani Lokelani

What's your Hawaiian Name?

Which Greek God Are You?

Athena


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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Me and Precious

Yeah, That's Me. Scary!

Being a Kid Again

My son and I just returned from the park. Can we say fun! It is a good thing I have a three year, otherwise I would have looked pretty funny playing on the slides and swings. I learned that I still have the old swing power. I also learned that it hurts your tookie when you fling yourself down the hilly slide, just another reminder I am older than I feel. It was nice to go to the part this time because my son is now old enough for slightly more independent play. Meaning I don't have to chase him every where, keeping him in no more than 5 or 6 feet away from me. Thereby allowing me to sit on the swing for a couple minutes. Gotta love longer attention spans!

Raise Your Glass To More Odd Dreams

Over the past week or so I have had some very odd dreams every night. They have ranged from the mundane world changed by an out of place event to the completely whacked out. Here is a synopsis of the dream I had last night that I would categorized as completely whacked.

If only I could remember the beginning of my dream then maybe the part I do remember would make more sense. I know that many of the parts arose of conversations I have had over the past couple days, but how my mind put them together into that sequence of events baffles me.

Enter myself and another person, we are on a mission to save my son from kidnappers who are gassing him. We make a stealthy entrance into the room. I run in dodging bullets and holding my breath. There I grab my limp son from his bassinet. I run out carrying him unfortunately needing a breath. I feel a calm come over me as I inhale the gas into my lungs. I get him to the safety of my waiting van and collapse dizzily from the gas' effects. My son begins to regain his color and normalize his breathing and drifts off to sleep.

At this time I am transformed into a 6 year old boy being praised for the care I take of my son. I gingerly carry him in an infant seat to his crib and gentle get him out of the car seat and comfortably off to sleep.

Now the other rescue hero and I go down the hall (I am again transformed into a young woman) to a movie theater in the building. We sit down and I worry how my child is. The movie begins to play when a 911 call comes over the intercom. No one seems to pay attention at first. Then it bleats again and the announces states that all patrons with children will receive their money back if they go to her office. I am about to spring out of the theater to grab my precious son when I wake.

I am aware there was a lot more dream before these particular events but I unfortunately do not recall them. I also have a vague memory of having another dream that I was awoken from by a mosquito at 4 o'clock in the morning. Now why couldn't I have woken up before the darn thing bit my right eyebrow?

Guilt

I love my son, I love him more than I love diet Pepsi, coffee and nicotine combined. I was very excited to see him yesterday and had to keep a close eye on my speed while driving.

But, you see, I have a new guilty pleasure. This guilty pleasure is called weekends at dad's.

When my son was in infant I carried him everywhere. He would cry if I put him down. He would cry if I sat down while holding him. Even if he was sleeping I would wheel his bassinet into the hall just outside the bathroom while I took a shower. When I returned to work part-time after six weeks dad watched him only one night. After that I had to have my mom and sister babysit. For the first 18 months of his life my son was with me. I took him to the store, he would follow me into the bathroom. I often just showered only showered while he was sleeping, his dad was that against watching.

Around the age of two his dad started letting me leave the kid with him while I went to the grocery store. So I guess this was really the beginning of my guilty pleasure. I learned to love grocery shopping. The one hour or so of not minutely performing life saving maneuvers was the best de-stresser I have ever found.

That was one thing all the baby books I read don't tell you enough, being a first time mom is very stressful. You worry for the first 12-20 weeks of pregnancy that you will remain pregnant. From there you worry about preterm labor. Then around 36 weeks start to feel you are going to be pregnant forever. Especially after I went on maternity leave about two weeks before my due date. It was the middle of summer and hot. So hot I didn't want to leave the house much because it meant I would have to put clothes on. Of course boredom soon ensued. Nothing to due but sit and wait. I anxiously counted down the days until my due date. Other women would laugh and say your due date doesn't really mean much of anything, which is true, but by my reasoning if my due date came and went I would be shortly no long pregnant no matter what. Too far over due and my midwife would due something about encouraging the kid out. Of course my kid was overdue so I had several anxious days wait knowing labor would start at any minute. I have to laugh now because not long after I had excepted that I would just be pregnant forever things started happening.

Anyway, after my son and I moved out I realized I wouldn't have those precious moments of the day when I could just be by myself. My parents hadn't lived with a young child in quite a number of years. There was a point where I just lost it. All the other stresses of what is going on and my son being transplanted to someplace new, I broke down crying.

So, again, I love my son but I like the day or two of rest I get when my son spends the weekend with dad. Two nights is all I can handle though. I start to get very antsy when my son spends more than that away from me. The two weeks my son was with his dad were miserable hours for me. I have no idea what to do with myself when he isn't around.

As I type, my ball of energy is running around in only a tank top. Today he has decided he doesn't like pull-ups. Good for him, now if we can get the whole waste in the potty thing straight I will be one very happy momma. Add that to the fact that I am always a proud momma (He is the smartest, cutest and most creative kid in the world!)and my little part of the world will be even closer to prefect.

Time Keeps Marching

I was wrong in assuming that leaving my husband would magically make everything better. Oh, some things have, but others have not. I am glad that I took such a long time deciding whether or not I was going to do it. I cannot say that I didn't consider the consequences. I don't know why things not changing magically is surprising me so much. I am still hopeful, though. Things will get better. Little things start looking up everyday.

My baby is spending the holiday weekend with his dad. I talk to them daily and it sounds like they are having fun. I am glad, I want nothing more than this transition to be as easy as possible for my son. I just wish things were a little smoother between my husband and myself. My hubby is kind enough though to keep displaying to me one of the things that was making it hard to live with him. After not talking to him for a couple weeks I won't say that the old feelings were peaking, then classic husband peeked out and I remembered.

Tomorrow holds another first step in this process, interviewing for my first new job as a soon to be single mom. Scary. I need to find child care that will work with the sometimes odd schedules that cooks keep. I have always preferred the morning shift, in a lot of restaurants and food service this starts at 5ish am. Where does one find day care that begins at 4:30 in the morning? The earliest I have seen advertised is 6:30 am. Or if I take an evening shift I might not be getting off of work until 10 pm or midnight. Who knows. I know that being the low man on the totem pole I most likely won't be getting the nice 9-5 time slot. I can hope. I just have to keep looking, keep trying. I will either find a job to fit day care schedule or day care to fit job schedules. It WILL happen. It needs to. I need to find more independence and work on learning how to be the 'new' me. Or whatever. I chose this, as the husband like to remind me frequently, so I need to work on learning how to live with it.

Wish me luck!

Happy Happy Birthday Baby

Oh my, my little one is now three years old. Time flies. I still recall with vivid detail the day you were born. Actually it took a couple days for you to be born, but I will have plenty of time to tell you about that when you get older.

Sweetpea, I know things are a lot weird right now but please know that I am only doing this to make things better in the future. Everyone knows that I want the world for us, especially you. That is what I am trying to do. I promise things will get better, stuff will calm down between me and your dad.

You got to celebrate your birthday at Chuck E. Cheese this year. You sure have grown and matured since the last time you were there. C.E.C. is now starting to be fun for me too because of this.

Thank you for this adventure so far and I am very much looking forward to many more years of learning and growing with you.

With All My Love, Mom

So Much

Wow! I am still surprised every day by just how much there is involved with getting divorced. I can now understand why people pay lawyers so much to do it for them.

I have my son with me again. His dad failed to return him home after a weekend visit and had him for about two weeks. Many people asked why I didn't just go and take my son back. I wanted to go through the proper legal paths and I didn't want it to be a stressful situation for my son. I wish I hadn't had to do it the way I did, but my son is happy and healthy and with me. As his dad said more than once he only wants custody of our son to punish me. I want custody of our son becuase I believe in the long run, after all this settles down, my maternal instincts and pure undieing love will ensure my son a happy healthy life.

I am not saying his dad won't be in his life. I have seen how much my son loves his dad and enjoys spending time with him, I can not denia my son something he enjoys, no matter my feelings towards the man. But I have also seen how my son behaves after spending time with his dad. Especially after the extended stay, my son is very clingy. He will not be in a room without me and often spends all day in some sort of physical contact with me. He has been in my lap this entire morning. He has reverted back to not allowing me to go to the restroom alone. The progress we had been making towards potty training is almost all gone.

I know the divorce is effecting my son and that is some of the reason for the reverting, this breaks my heart. However, I believe that staying together will be more detrimental to my son than this period of adjustment.

My Baby

I was "allowed" to see my son today for three hours. "Allowed" by the man who kidnapped him from me a week ago.

It was wonderful, even though I had to put up with my husband being rude and mean. My son walked into the house, his eyes got big, he looked around the room, he looked at me again. Then he ran over to the door and shut it, than ran up to me and gave me a big hug. I believe, in his three year old mind, shutting the door was his way of making sure I couldn't not be around.

My husband got the divorce papers today, that is why he let me see my son. He realised it was only making him look bad by keeping my son away from me. So tomorrow (today) or Moday he will recieve the other papers I filed to get custody of my son during the divorce proceedings.

Why Is It So Much Easier To Get Married?

I picked up the packet for dissolution of marriage today.

Can we say, "Good God Damn!"

$150 filing fee, pages and pages of forms. When we got married it was something like $35 and a one page form. Now I feel I am going to have to cut my wrist and bleed some blood to get out of this marriage.

Remind me to never get married again.

You'd Think I Would Update More

I have nothing but free time, as I am unemployed. I ended up leaving a job I loved dearly to move to Anchorage. Not for the first time, but the second, and still I cried. I cried the first time too. Who knew I would love a job that payed so little to do so much. I got a lot out of it then just a paycheck though. I met lots of new and interesting people, had a number of interesting conversations.

But seeing as I am unemployed, I am also short on the fundage side of this. Not that it is really all that new, so I don't go out much. Add to that the fact that my license is currently suspended and I am encountering a couple difficulties getting it back, and you get one sad me.

There is a third obstacle in my adventures in the world. It is an amusing turn of situations, but makes for me also being around the house a lot.

So in the end I am at home a lot and not otherwise occupied (excluding minutely lifesaving maneuvers) so why don't I update more?

Good Question.

Three Days

I woke up this morning, this third morning in a row. I could hear birds chirping outside, I could hear the dog shifting in his sleep. I could hear these things because it was so quiet. Quiet for the third day in a row. A quiet I was not used to. A quiet no one in the house we now live in has experienced for three weeks. There was a slight peek of the sun. A sun that has been absent since you left three nights ago. I was happy to have slept, no one stealing my covers, no one kicking me in the head. I was unhappy you were not there to disturb my sleep. I was happy to be awake for I was having bad dreams. I was unhappy to be awake for now those dreams would enter my conscious thoughts. Dreams of you. Dreams of all my deepest fears coming true. Dreams where a man takes you away from me, forever. Three mornings of sleeping in. Three days of sitting and reading. Three nights of not listening to you breathe as I drifted off to sleep. Three mornings spent in my half sleep looking around the room for you. Three days of sitting by the phone waiting for phone calls, waiting for news, waiting to talk to you, waiting for your return. Three nights laying in bed missing you. Three years of not spending more than 12 hours away from you have led to these three days of not knowing what to do with myself. Three long days.

愛か。それはなぜそんなに吸うか。

Strange New World

I am sitting here trying not to go nuts. Trying.

I have never spent more than 12 hours away from my son, this evening my husband took him for the weekend. I hope.

It has been a whole two hours since they left. I have showered, surfed the web, eaten, watched T.V. and called them twice. What am I going to be like tomorrow?

Why I Feel Like I am Falling (Really Just Another Sad Little Rant)

As of Tuesday, May 3 I am no longer living in my home in Wasilla. My son and I find ourselves somewhat set up in the downstairs of my mothers house. Two weeks now away from my husband. It took a number of years for me to gather the courage to remove myself from that place and situation, but I have done it. That goodness for the help of my family. I could not have done it with out them, especially with my precious soon-to-be three year old in tow. I want the world for him and was very afraid I would not be able to provide for him during this low period. But mom is giving me a chance to get on my feet before I venture this single mother stuff on my own. So now I am stuck with these feeling of being nearly 30, with a child, and living with my mother. Can you say guilt? I feel very spoilt. Living with my husband I spent many years making due and barely getting by and now I have a washer and dryer that do not require quarters and does not require me to haul my stuff out to it! Ah, the simple pleasures of a mom. Now I have to find day care and a job, or is it a job and day care? Either way it is another scary step that I am trying to not dread taking. I have been pushed to my limits of comfort so much in the past couple days.

So there it is a poorly formatted shout to the world. I HAVE LEFT MY HUSBAND. Please stop asking about it for a bit, I'll get there.

Falling Off The Face Of The Earth, A Sad Little Rant

I imagine that is the best way to describe the way I feel. I feel I am falling. My world, my earth is no longer the same. Now, I am not saying this a bad feeling, nor am I saying it is a good feeling. It is just there. Not pleasure, not pain, not joy, not sorrow. At least not individually, they are all there. All fighting to be the dominate feeling.
What do I say to him? How can I be In the same room? He acts so hurt but when I leave he goes back to his new girl of the day.
My heart is heavy and light. I am filled with remorse for causing pain and elated for the prospects of the future. But what a scary future. I haven’t been alone longer than 6 months since I was 15. That is quite the thought, now isn’t it.

Too Much Sleep = Unmotivated

I have been getting a lot of sleep lately and not getting much of anything done. I need to get moving, things are happening pretty quickly in my life. A lot quicker than I had planned. But in the end I will be a better person for it all. Oh, there is too much I don't want to do.

Lack of Sleep = Superwoman?

Thanks to my complete procrastination I spent last evening preparing my taxes. Translation, I sat in front of the computer for way too long being annoyed because, in my case, it might have been faster to file a paper form. Okay maybe not, but until now I never new the annoyance that is entering all the information off of way too many W2s. So, needless to say, I managed about four hours of sleep before having to get up and function. I work early in the morning (Read, before 7 AM) and had to find a way to not injure myself while handling sharp or hot objects. My solution? Lots of strong coffee. Usually this would just turn me into a shaky tired person, but seeing as I have regained my addiction to caffeine I managed to stave off the shakes and just be sleepy. None the less I found myself completing all my required tasks at work along with a few to prepare for tomorrow and some other side work, to ward off boredom. After work I return home to clean out my storage until, wash and fold to loads of laundry, cook a nice meal, wash the dishes and now write a bit. Why do I get the feeling I am going to be completely useless tomorrow at work? I don't have to e in until a very reasonable hour but I'm sure my human alarm clock will get me up in time to see all of the Saturday morning cartoons. Guess I am just amused by how much I did get accomplished today, despite my lack of sleep.

I'm a Bitch, I'm a Lover, I'm a Child, I'm a Mother

Nature has a way of being purely evil. As is known my son has been very sick, pink eye, chest cold, strange colored mucus pouring out of his nose and fevers. Yesterday in a hail of red puke (Don't be alarmed, it was just the Tylenol Cold I gave him) his fever broke and since then he has been back to being his usual holy terror. What is so unfair about this is I now have what he had minus the pink eye, knock on wood. I feel like I am swimming in a muted sea. My ears pound with my own heart beat, loud sounds send shooting pain. And as any parent of an almost three year old will attest to, I hope, is that they are one giant loud sound at this age.

Being a mom I have to still care for my recovering, over-energetic son while dad is at work. Though I would love nothing more than lie in bed with a jug of O.J., a box of Kleenex, a warm blanket, the T.V. remote and an ungodly supply of cold medicine.

So these are the people I have been cycling through today. A bitch, because I do not feel good and so don't want to deal. A lover, because I must still be a caring wife. A child, because I want attention and I want it now. Take care of ME! A mother, because this job has no real quitting time.

I Don't Care

I have a horrible sinus headache and the cold medicine I took isn't working.
I don't care.

My muscles are sore and my bones feel achey.
I don't care.

I am tired and cranky from working all day.
I don't care.

The fingers in my left hand are numb and cold.
I don't care.

You are sick.
I care.

You sleep fitfully in my lap, slipping in and out of consciousness. Mere minutes of wakefulness and sleep. Often when you wake, you wake suddenly, blurting out the last line of dialog from your dream. I laugh to myself and try to figure out what you are dreaming. I love these little peeks into your unconscious.

Your poor little limp body, ravaged by fever. I stare at you, wishing I could take your pain, even though I already share in it. The sweet, quiet, endless potential I see in your face brings tears to my eyes. I wonder how I can help you fulfill your dreams. I am curious to find out what those dreams will be.

Rest and regain your strength, my little man, the feeling will eventually return to my arm. But I won't care if it doesn't, so long as you return to your happy healthy self.

Veiled Sexual Innuendo

I would like to start this with an apology. Mrs. Hetfield I am sorry for what I am about to say and I really do hope you and your husband all the best, but......
I WANT TO PRACTICE AT HAVING YOUR HUSBAND'S BABIES!

I am Fricken Going to Cum, I Love the Internet

As I sat waiting for the wrist-slitting slow opening of my yahoo on a dial-up, I noticed the little ad for recipe feeds you can add to your 'my yahoo' site. So I decided to click on it and add that service to my little part of yahoo. I only expected one or two rarely updated feeds. I was wrong. I know have multiple daily recipes, along with blogs. All these new fun interesting recipes delivered to me, without having to search. New creative things I may have never thought of or looked for.

Along with recipes (much better than novels), the internet provides me with countless hours of entertainment. Especially on days like this week when my son is sick and I am stuck at home. I get to talk to adults and entertain and educate my brain. Or just fill it with more useless information, take your pick. Either way, I am kept from being forced to clean the house again out of sheer boredom. I can now sit on my butt and surf.

I love the internet!

I Told You I Would

This is a nod to my K.B. I told you I would make it a part of my blog. It wouldn't have been so funny if you hadn't come running. I swear I kept my mouth shut.
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Time to Admit This Too

I am admitting this to myself and the world, I am in love. Madly, passionately, erotically in love with a man. He is a tall man and sexy, although bald. He is strong and muscular, though gentle. He has helped me with many problems and still comes back for more. I do not know how I have lived my life up till now without this man in my life.

His name is............Mr. Clean.

Today while shopping with my mom, she insisted that I try Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. Can I tell you? This shit is great. I have cleaned stuff that has been eluding my previous attempts at removal. And Crayon, can I say enough about crayon removal? I managed to get that grunge off my kid's high chair, the grubby stuff off of the front door, made a dent in the crap on the stainless steel toaster oven. I even got most of the crayon off of the unfinished wood bookcase. The poor 'brick' is now a tiny shred, mostly because of my attempt to get the nasties off of Jaden's car seat. It was trying there but may require a little more effort. But hey, I can't expect true miracles.

Boy, I feel better getting that off my chest and the funkies off my stuff! (Happy Dance)

Peanuts and Fridgehead

It is difficult for me to keep my composer when I hear some of the things my son says. He is doing the best he can with the abilities he has right now and I want to encourage his efforts, but some of it is just so darn cute.

Today he and I were sharing a Fridgehead, or soda ice (hee hee), and Jaden was trying to use the straw to suck. He stopped and sighed, "Too Heavy." How precious. It was his attempt at saying it was too thick to suck through the straw.

Then he comes up with wonderfully delightful mispronunciation, like wroof and peanuts, or Pooh A Princess. These are the terms he uses for Roo, penis and a Winnie the Pooh movie that has nothing to do with princesses, it is the Halloween one.

I have a friend who tells me stories of her grandbaby who is about Jaden's age. Her granddaughter is learning sign language and came up with the statement, "Daddy's airy shirt" for a shirt with holes in it. Now that is precious.

So Jaden, I don't laugh at you because I believe you to be unintelligent, it is quite the opposite. I laugh because you make these wonderfully unique associations (like, shopping cart train) that show how you are working to organize the complex subject of language in your fresh brain. And your just so darn cute. High strung, extremely active, quite the "boy" and cute.

Good Morning, Beautiful

I have a friend who starts every morning I see them with this greeting. It is done out of pure friendly love and it feels so wonderful. Thank You, buddy.

This makes me think? If these few simple words work those kind of wonders on me, what would they do for my son? I try to say nice things, just becuase, to him, but this is a nice reminder. I doubt much of what I say to him still doesn't make a whole lot of sense but intonation and body language is universal.

Try it out on your frineds and loved ones, you'll be rewarded.

I Feel a Bad Moon Rising

I finally got around to reading my monthly free horoscope today. Yes, I read that stuff. No, I don't place much faith in them. I do find them to be a nice moral booster at times, though.

So I am reading one of them and in sweet, sugar coated words the lady was basically saying that Capricorn was going to have a chaotic, crappy month. Something about descending planets into or out of my house of whatever and the combination of two eclipses in the month. Then I think, "Ohmagah" she's right, this month sucks. Mind you it is ass crack in the morning and coffee hasn't kicked in yet. I was feeling pretty run over, stuff coming out of everywhere. Nose, lungs, bladder, etc, etc (You know what I mean.) Not doing things like drinking a quart of cranberry juice followed by a half pot chaser of coffee would have helped a couple things. I swear in the first 3 hours of my morning I went to the bathroom every 15 minutes for one reason or another.

How Do You Teach a Thirty Five Year Old Man That if the Internet Says its Free, it isn't?

Everything in my house is in some stage of being sick. The kid, the hubby, me, the computer. All infected with something. Gotta love daycare and the internet.

Things You Should Consider the Consequences of Before Attempting Just Cause You're Bored

Last night my son went to bed at a reasonable hour. Reasonable being a time not ending in the suffix A.M. So even though I had to get up early for work in the morning, I was not tired. This is when I have the idea to treat myself to a bath, alone. Bathing alone in my house is a luxury as my son really likes water. And since it was going to be a treat I decided to make it extra special and shave my legs.

So there I sat in a shallow tub of water dragging a cheap plastic razor over my flesh and watching my life force spring forth from many little nicks on my legs. Half way through I realize that the shallow tub of water was getting cold faster than I was shaving causing goose bumps to be formed. This only served to increase the number of nicks. So I decided to add more hot water and finished shaving my legs. Well, now I have a tub full of hot water, would be a shame to get out now and waste it all. So I decide it would be fun to see just how much body hair I can remove. This is where the considering of actions should have happened, especially after seeing what the razor had done to my legs. But hey, I wasn't tired and who knows when I will get another untired, single bath. And who knows, it could be fun.

The question I have now had to ponder today is, what happens when it starts to grow out and itch? I have tried this before and remember the itching, but I had more time then to try to maintain it. Alone time. Alone time is now bored time, what has happened to my perception? Must be a the constant rush I get from saving someone's life multiple times a day, makes down time feel that much more uneventful.

The First Step is Admitting

HI, everyone, my name is Robin and I have a few things to admit. These are things I have been needing to admit to myself for a while but haven't. So here goes...

Let's start with the hardest one. Despite my best efforts to control the spread, the invasion is over taking me. It is fact, I have been dreading and expecting it since I was 20. I still remember that faithful day when I found the first one, I called my mom from college just to tell her. She was not as amused as I was. The annoying invasion has now firmly rooted itself and is fueled by the two boys in my life. It is the dreaded invasion of...............GRAY HAIRS. (Gasp!) Okay, I know, there are much worse things in life, but, damn it, I'm not ready. I see them, they poke out at odd moments. I've tried plucking. I've tried coloring. Alas, they win in the end. Don't believe the 'covers your gray' advertising on the do it yourself boxes. And with the plucking, I can't see the back of my head and I know they are hiding there. I used to be able to see them before I cut off all my hair. So it wasn't actually ALL of it, but a lot. I miss it. Wrapping it up in a bun, French twists, handle bars, all that fun girl hair stuff. Now I can barely get it into a ponytail. But when I do get some of it into one, out pops the little white hairs. They stick up from my scalp. So there I am, three fourths of my hair in a pony tail, bottom half a dark brown, top half black brown and studded by little white hairs.

Another item I must admit to, these, my comfy black pants (Thanks, Sis) cannot be worn by me any more. I've tried, I have resorted to only wearing them in the house. To wear them out, or forbid, to work, would only cause a never ending scene of embarrassment. Here is the problem, they no longer fit properly. Now don't get upset at me here, they no long fit because they are much to big. I wear them and if I am not vigilant they fall off my butt, often taking my underwear with them. I don't feel like being known as the supermarket flasher of the valley. Yes, I know your asking, "Why is this nut complaining cause her pants are to big?" I love these pants. When I was first given them they fit nicely, even went so far as to make my rear look a little smaller. They had a nice cut and were easy to wear and went with most every top in my closet (or floor, as they case usually is) Therefore, can you understand why I wouldn't want to give up on them? So with a jubilant heart and a slightly healthier me, I must retire the happy butt pants.

Finally, I would like to announce to myself and the one random person who may happen to read my lonely space on the web, I am no longer a recovered caffeine addict. I have fallen off the wagon. You know, it started with a cup in the morning cause the baby kept me up late or woke me up early and I need to be semi-coherent to work around fire. Then it was a cup before work and one on the way to work. Then I started needing it mornings of my days off. Now I am a full fledged pot a day coffee drinker. Hehe, maybe it is all the caffeine that is helping me to lose weight. Doubt it, this a usual spring occurrence.

So there it is. Things I have not been able to admit to myself. Now they are out there for people to know. The first step is admitting.

You Give Me Fever

Spring? It was here and now it hasn't stopped snowing for two days. First it was too wet and muddy to take the ball of energy outside, now it should be fun. Fresh snow, kinda warm and plenty of daylight. Gotta love spring and the day light. Does wonders for my mood and everyone else's. Can you say spring fever? I know I have it bad this year. Makes me want to be a girl, which only gets me in trouble. Found myself pulling out the curling iron and make-up, the daintier girl shoes and the lighter clothes. Friends of mine were surprised, never having seen me as a girl before. Amusing. As usual the fun wasn't allowed to last for long.

The little man will be three before I know it. The amount and ways he has changed since the last entry is amusing. His development never ceases to amuse me. Who knew? Should have guessed, they are born only with rudimentary instincts and grow into "normal" humans like the rest of us. Has to happen somehow. Guess I never expected it to happen in the leaps and bounds that it does.

I have to laugh every time I hear him saying, "Jelly beans are for decorating, not eating." He must have heard that a lot at day care. Guess they were making Easter decorations.

His latest fascination has been Winnie the Pooh, a nice break from the other stuff, but an obsession none the less. He walks around caring a large stuffed Winnie the Pooh, which he also experimenting with, in a grown up way. Ah, to be young, curious and uninformed. He has been wrapped up in this whole Easter thing for a few weeks, when he first started watching Springtime with Roo. Feeding us pretend fishy oil so we will get our bounce back.

Bipolarity is Normal at This Age?

I've been looking for a job. Between searching, working my part-time job and raising a precocious toddler, I've been feeling a little burnt out. My son continues to wow me everyday. Remember he is two and a half years old. Last week I was putting on my jacket, which says starter. He came up behind me and said "S..T..A..R..T..E..R.. spells jacket." I was definitely impressed with his ability to make that association. He is currently working on learning how to count to 100 by tens. He spent his afternoon today watching his new Thomas the Train movie. I think we watched it eight times today. Everything lately is Thomas. I know that child specialists say these obessions are normal or okay, but they sure are annoying. I have GeoTrax trains in my kitchen, paperback books lined up as a track across my living room, a G scale train set in my sons room (which he wore out the batteries on in about five days) and Thomas movies running almost continuously on the DVD player. Not to mention various other train related toys and books strewn around his room. I do know a reprieve is soon, come summer he will be running mostly naked in the yard, from sun up to sun down (note: that's approach. 19hrs in AK.). He would live, eat and sleep outside if I let him.

He's getting better at being dropped off at day care. Good thing I have a good program to take him to.

Tuesday I had the pleasure of a dumb woman rear-ending me and taking off. I unfortunately didn't get any information. I was more worried that my son was okay. Everything is okay, just a nice large crack in the plastic bumper of my car. Little man didn't even skip a beat in his back seat rambling about everything he could see out the window.

I never fail to be amused by the almost constant narrative about the world outside the car window. I am forewarned of every yellow school bus, moving truck, fire engine, bull dozer, crane and any other construction equipment. Walking through store parking lots brings a description of most of the vehicles we pass by. Walking up and down aisles brings that never ending chain of "What's that?" questions. I mean every item we walk past. Another instance of cute, wonderful, needed and annoying.

That is what I am learning about children of this age, get used to jumping extremes. One minute they are precocious, cute, loving, lovable angels. To be mached the next moment by demanding, moody, spiteful, little devils. Then back to angel, so you cannot actually be upset by any misbehaver. Talk about emotional roller-coaster. I just try to remember to think about what he must be going through, feeling. I remember what is was like to be a teenager, experts say toddler years are similar. The need for independence but the inability to be completely separate from your parents.