Monday, May 23, 2005

Why Is It So Much Easier To Get Married?

I picked up the packet for dissolution of marriage today.

Can we say, "Good God Damn!"

$150 filing fee, pages and pages of forms. When we got married it was something like $35 and a one page form. Now I feel I am going to have to cut my wrist and bleed some blood to get out of this marriage.

Remind me to never get married again.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

You'd Think I Would Update More

I have nothing but free time, as I am unemployed. I ended up leaving a job I loved dearly to move to Anchorage. Not for the first time, but the second, and still I cried. I cried the first time too. Who knew I would love a job that payed so little to do so much. I got a lot out of it then just a paycheck though. I met lots of new and interesting people, had a number of interesting conversations.

But seeing as I am unemployed, I am also short on the fundage side of this. Not that it is really all that new, so I don't go out much. Add to that the fact that my license is currently suspended and I am encountering a couple difficulties getting it back, and you get one sad me.

There is a third obstacle in my adventures in the world. It is an amusing turn of situations, but makes for me also being around the house a lot.

So in the end I am at home a lot and not otherwise occupied (excluding minutely lifesaving maneuvers) so why don't I update more?

Good Question.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Three Days

I woke up this morning, this third morning in a row. I could hear birds chirping outside, I could hear the dog shifting in his sleep. I could hear these things because it was so quiet. Quiet for the third day in a row. A quiet I was not used to. A quiet no one in the house we now live in has experienced for three weeks. There was a slight peek of the sun. A sun that has been absent since you left three nights ago. I was happy to have slept, no one stealing my covers, no one kicking me in the head. I was unhappy you were not there to disturb my sleep. I was happy to be awake for I was having bad dreams. I was unhappy to be awake for now those dreams would enter my conscious thoughts. Dreams of you. Dreams of all my deepest fears coming true. Dreams where a man takes you away from me, forever. Three mornings of sleeping in. Three days of sitting and reading. Three nights of not listening to you breathe as I drifted off to sleep. Three mornings spent in my half sleep looking around the room for you. Three days of sitting by the phone waiting for phone calls, waiting for news, waiting to talk to you, waiting for your return. Three nights laying in bed missing you. Three years of not spending more than 12 hours away from you have led to these three days of not knowing what to do with myself. Three long days.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Strange New World

I am sitting here trying not to go nuts. Trying.

I have never spent more than 12 hours away from my son, this evening my husband took him for the weekend. I hope.

It has been a whole two hours since they left. I have showered, surfed the web, eaten, watched T.V. and called them twice. What am I going to be like tomorrow?

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Why I Feel Like I am Falling (Really Just Another Sad Little Rant)

As of Tuesday, May 3 I am no longer living in my home in Wasilla. My son and I find ourselves somewhat set up in the downstairs of my mothers house. Two weeks now away from my husband. It took a number of years for me to gather the courage to remove myself from that place and situation, but I have done it. That goodness for the help of my family. I could not have done it with out them, especially with my precious soon-to-be three year old in tow. I want the world for him and was very afraid I would not be able to provide for him during this low period. But mom is giving me a chance to get on my feet before I venture this single mother stuff on my own. So now I am stuck with these feeling of being nearly 30, with a child, and living with my mother. Can you say guilt? I feel very spoilt. Living with my husband I spent many years making due and barely getting by and now I have a washer and dryer that do not require quarters and does not require me to haul my stuff out to it! Ah, the simple pleasures of a mom. Now I have to find day care and a job, or is it a job and day care? Either way it is another scary step that I am trying to not dread taking. I have been pushed to my limits of comfort so much in the past couple days.

So there it is a poorly formatted shout to the world. I HAVE LEFT MY HUSBAND. Please stop asking about it for a bit, I'll get there.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Falling Off The Face Of The Earth, A Sad Little Rant

I imagine that is the best way to describe the way I feel. I feel I am falling. My world, my earth is no longer the same. Now, I am not saying this a bad feeling, nor am I saying it is a good feeling. It is just there. Not pleasure, not pain, not joy, not sorrow. At least not individually, they are all there. All fighting to be the dominate feeling.
What do I say to him? How can I be In the same room? He acts so hurt but when I leave he goes back to his new girl of the day.
My heart is heavy and light. I am filled with remorse for causing pain and elated for the prospects of the future. But what a scary future. I haven’t been alone longer than 6 months since I was 15. That is quite the thought, now isn’t it.